Support After the Funeral
There’s an old expression—A funeral is not a day in a lifetime, it’s a lifetime in a day—and anyone who has lost a close loved one, or attended a funeral or interment service to support and console someone who has, generally understands the meaning of this saying. Unfortunately, many people mistakenly think that the actual funeral or memorial service, and/or the burial or cremation, signals the “official” end of the period when it’s acceptable to feel sad about the death of the deceased. (Closure is the unfortunate term often used in this case.)
The reality is that grief lasts and does not simply end immediately after the funeral or interment. Those closest to the person who died rarely experience “closure” as soon as the mechanics of caring for the remains and performing the desired rites, rituals, ceremonies, and traditions conclude. For many, the myriad of decisions he or she must make when arranging a funeral and/or final disposition on an at-need basis (i.e., after someone dies who didn’t pre-arrange a funeral); the presence of many loving, supportive family members and friends for the service(s); and the structured nature of these tasks/events can delay/distract a griever from his or her grief response.
Just ask a widow or widower, for example, how difficult it was to return home for the first time after the funeral to the home he or she shared with a spouse or partner; try to imagine how a mother or father initially felt upon entering their child’s empty, silent bedroom after laying a son or daughter to rest; or how significantly the feel of “the baby’s room” changes following a miscarriage or stillbirth. Many people coping with the death of a loved one might experience the loss all over again and/or more profoundly after the funeral or interment.
The point here is that a “good funeral” is not merely a transaction that ends once you pay the bill. Ideally, your chosen funeral and/or interment provider should offer resources, information and other “aftercare” services that acknowledge the persistence of your grief in the weeks and months following the service(s), and even provide meaningful opportunities to help you cope with the death afterward. Many providers, for example, invite family members they have served to special events during upcoming holidays, such as Christmas, Memorial Day, Thanksgiving, etc. because these times can prove particularly difficult for the grieving. Others offer in-house counseling or follow-up assistance or can help you find a grief support group in your area if you desire. Still, more curate a “lending library” of books and videos that you can borrow, if you wish, that might provide helpful insights.
By Chris Raymond is an expert on funerals, grief, and end-of-life issues, as well as the former editor of the world’s most widely read magazine for funeral directors.
Celebrate & Remember Funeral Pastor 